NOT ALLOWED

‘You’re not allowed to say anything… our generation sucks!’, I heard him say after about half an hour of listening to him tonight. I thanked him for sharing his experiences. Ones I had no idea were happening as I have never received any emails or calls from the school.

Initially, I went into my son’s room to say ‘goodnight’ and to let him know that he didn’t have to go to school the last two days. The fact is that there is absolutely no learning taking place this last week of school. There is no work that needs to be completed for a grade or otherwise. The students are having to wake up early just so they can sit in school to watch movies and play Kahoot.

In addition, the news of today’s school shooting in Uvalde, less than three hours from us, made me hesitant to send him back to school. That, as well as the bomb threat and the other gun incident at the high school across the street, caused me to wonder why this was happening so frequently.

Preliminary research suggests that children, particularly teenagers, are depressed and suicidal. But that does not mean that all depressed and suicidal children commit such acts of violence. From a psychological perspective, one might infer certain needs are not met. Needs such as wanting to be heard. To know that our opinions and views matter. And this is not something specific to children, but adults as well.

Teenagers are especially vulnerable to the realisation that what they express is not viewed as important. That their opinions do not matter. Students see how teachers abuse their power of adulthood and authority as they bestow absurd punishments upon them. Such as giving a group of students lunch detention after a counselor stalked them outside during lunch to hear them calling each other ‘gay’ and stating their opinions on sexuality.

‘He said he was homophobic, like his mom is’ I heard my son explain today’s situation.  The three friends, including my son, ended up getting lunch detention for simply stating their point of view. For having their own thoughts. I was finding it very difficult to believe this was happening, but there was more of this kind of behaviour.

Another incident involved my son getting a ball thrown at him by a teacher. It was one of three little balls that my son won in a Kahoot game today which another teacher confiscated. Mr. Anthony refused to return the one ball to him and my son called him on it. At that point, the teacher hurled the ball at my son, missing him in the process. I could not believe what he was telling me. Then we wonder why kids feel the need for revenge.

My son also told me that one of his friends is not allowed to leave the classroom anymore. For any reason. Not for a drink of water. Not to go to the restroom. Throughout the year, my son has had to argue the bathroom issue when teachers would forbid him from going. Then he would simply make a smartass comment about having forgotten his diapers. At least he’s taking the comical route. But other children might not see it that way and will instead internalise their lack of control of the situation or act out in violent ways.

Even as adults, we want to be heard. We want to know that our opinions and views matter. Though we have this need, we should never depend solely on others. The only person we should truly learn to depend on is ourselves. Except that as children and young adults, this is not a concept which is easily grasped. Thus, the need for children to assert their place in the world by acting out.

Once we take the time to listen to children, we might actually learn that they too have views worth hearing. Though those views might often differ from ours, we need to learn to respect their choice to voice those viewpoints. Respect is mutual. As adults, we have the responsibility to teach children by example. To have them know that respect is not a right, but is earned. As is trust.

As adults in a position of authority, we need to stop treating children as objects we believe we can control and instead give them the opportunity to express themselves in healthy ways. We need to lessen the grip on the reins in our hands and give them a little more freedom to find out who they are in their own timeframe. As for the next two days, there will be no lunch detention for my son.