A CRUEL WORLD

‘Reality is, the world is cruel, and we need to exist in a cruel world.’

I was trying to explain to him how our son was constantly being bullied at school. How he was thrown to the ground yet again this week which resulted in his iPhone’s screen being cracked. How kids keep going into Sage’s backpack and stealing his money and chips. How someone stole his lunchbox this week, before he had a chance to eat lunch, and never returned it. Somehow it turned into it all being my fault as I was hindering our son’s ‘treatment’ and preventing him from being prepared for ‘real life’.

Initially, my texts were regarding both of our daughters’ poor grades that resulted from missing assignments and a consistent lack of effort on their part. I was actually surprised that he even texted back seeing how he has avoided doing so, for most of the past 8 years. But today’s contact reminded me that he will never change. I will always be to blame for everything. For our daughters’ bad grades and for our son being bullied.

‘I would say share the duties and supervise Saffi doing homework every day’, was his reply to my asking what he is doing about our older daughter’s poor grades. He suggested she come over a few days a week after school so I can help her with her studies. Oh, so now that he realizes he can’t handle the duties of parenting, I then get to ‘help’? What about the times I needed the children to be dropped off at his house after school for a mere 10 or 15 minutes until they could be picked up after work? That time we lived in Cedar Park, outside of the bus route, and he simply told me to ‘take care of it yourself’.

I let him know we are not at home after school except for Fridays due to Sage’s kickboxing class which he takes for off-campus PE, but that she is welcome to come on Fridays and any time that we are home. But that would require she communicates with me, which is almost non-existent these days. I also said our daughter should start thinking about how her study habits impact her future.

‘Yeah, yeah…Fact is, if she is not micro-managed she will not put sufficient effort into her work…someone needs to work with her every single day.’ His texts kept getting longer. I couldn’t disagree more with that statement. Teens should be learning to manage themselves at this stage in life, with some guidance from parents. Key word being ‘some’. With two more years left of high school, she will need to work really hard to stay focused and to put in the work needed to graduate.

‘I can talk, talk, talk, but unless there are micro managed, nothing is changing’, he continued. My thoughts kept circling in disbelief as I remembered how he managed to take the girls away from me last year as he thought they had a better life there. Now that the girls are failing to take control of their lives, he is trying to make it my responsibility that they are not thriving at his home.

I pointed out how Sage has been working really hard to get all ‘A’s this 6-week period. At three weeks, he is so close and has now gotten into the habit of checking his daily schedule and grades twice a day and checking with teachers that all of his work has been graded and entered into the books.

This came after several talks I had with him about taking responsibility for his life. That, in the end, he is the only one who can do the work. That the habits he forms now will affect his future.

He replied that he was proud of Sage, but I know our son will always be seen by his father as not being able to integrate into society.

‘Sage [is] lacking social skills and behaving in a way that is inviting this types of abusive behavior from his peers’, he continues the discussion of the bullying as if Sage is to blame for being short. The reason for almost all of the attacks on him by a cocky sixth grader who seems to get pleasure by calling him ‘shorty’ and body slamming him.

‘Mastering conflict is an important skill. I told you before, kids are even meaner in HS and they will take him apart the way that he behaves sometimes.’ Ah, like the abuse he suffered at the hands of his stepmother when she told him nobody wants him to be part of the family. That she is embarrassed to be related to him. Nothing can be crueller than suffering abuse from your own family.

‘Again, you have put nothing but blocks in my way to solve this solution. You are on your own.’

The fact is, I have been dealing with things on my own for quite some time. It hasn’t been easy, but I have managed to find ways to navigate the difficulties the best I can.

‘If you want to do something for Sage, you need to stop complaining, and really support him to prepare him for real life’, he went on and then suggested the autism classes and contacting insurance and getting on a waiting list.

The texts went on and on with no resolution. My attempt at co-parenting failed yet again. I wrongly believed that he had our children’s best interest in mind but all he wanted to do was to pass blame to me. I told him, once again, that Austin is not the place for us. For Sage and me.

‘You are welcome to move, and Sage, can move back with me.’ Yeah, I can definitely see that happening (rolling eye emoji).

‘As long as Frannie is there, he will never be at your place’, I wrote back. And that was the end of the discussion. He knew that was true. That the only reason for Sage living with me exclusively is due to the abuse suffered at his father’s place. The confusion of being nice for one moment with an outburst of rage the next.

It’s true that life is difficult. There are obstacles which come in our way. Ones we need to learn to handle the best we can. But we do not need to exist in a cruel world. Life is what we make it.