TO BE ELSEWHERE

Some days the words do not flow as readily as they used to. Words to explain the thoughts floating around in our minds. They are there, somewhere, but have not yet made it to the surface. Perhaps there are too many of them to sort through in order to make a coherent thought. Perhaps we simply wish time to stand still for a while so we can reflect on what is before us.

This week has had its challenges more so it seems than other weeks. Though the morning routine still needs much improvement, we can do only so much with what we are given. We must somehow keep moving forward in spite of wishing to pause time for a while or to speed it up so we get to the part where our future is revealed.

During Saffron's ballet class I was talking with a lady whose 9-year old daughter was in Saffron's class. She started up the conversation after she heard Cinnamon tell me I do not give her as much attention as I do to her brother who was sitting on my lap glancing at his older sister through the window of the classroom.

The lady, who has two daughters and two sons ages 7 through 13, seemed relieved to hear that it was not just her daughters who said the same thing to her about the attention given to the youngest. We both agreed it has something to do with the baby in the family. We try to hold onto those last few moments of smallness in sadness as we come face to face with the realisation that there will most likely not be another baby after him.

We continued our conversation which led us to the topic of going back to work. She let me know of her being a stay-at-home mom for the past 13 years and of her fear of returning to the workforce after being absent from work life for over a dozen years. I agreed, voicing my own fear of the challenges I see ahead of me. Namely finding reliable and affordable child care for my three children.

Today I had to let my employer know that I would most likely not be coming to work on both Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve as I would be home taking care of my three children due to the fact that all of the child care facilities are closed on those days. However, the issue of afterschool care also needs to be solved as I need a schedule which would allow me to make it to the childcare center before closing time which as I am finding out is 18,00h.

'Why do we need to work?' asked Sage this evening. I told him the sole reason was to make money in order to be able to pay bills. He then told me he wanted a job so he could have money. Finding a job is not as much of an issue as finding the right job. Therein lies my dilemma as I continue my search for the right job. What that is has yet to be revealed but has creativity at its center.

Though I wish time to speed up to the point where things are better than they are at this moment, I realise I have to be a bit more patient for that time to arrive. Sometimes we wish to turn back the time in order to return to the moments when we thought things were not as good as we now see they were. I would now gladly love to be able to sit on the small white sofa at the cottage at Greyabbey if only to be able to spend an afternoon together with Mario.

In retrospect circumstances seem better than they did at the moment of their happening. Or perhaps it is our interpretation of the moment which we remember fondly which propels us to the past when all we wished at that moment was to be elsewhere.