YET SO FAR

‘You don’t have to embarrass her’, he exclaimed as we crossed the street.

It’s not as if I was going to shout out her name as we passed by. If she noticed us, I would wave or nod my head in acknowledgement of having seen her, hoping that would not embarrass her. She was not difficult to pick out amongst the crowd of teenagers, as she was the smallest one on the high school track and was wearing the familiar pale green Holister joggers. It was neither too cool nor too warm.

The sun had not yet risen, but my son had band sectionals early this morning. I decided to walk with him to clear my mind before I logged in for work. I was glad today was a remote day. It’s always a good day when I get to work from home. As I said goodbye, I told my son I would walk to the middle school track, hoping the gates would be open so I could run a lap or two. They were. So, I ran one lap and walked another, then walked the long way home around the back of the high school.

I’m proud of my older daughter for getting up so early to run, as I am proud of her sister for going to dance many mornings of the week and after school. I am also happy that Saffron is doing well in her culinary, nutrition, and money matters classes. All quite useful teachings for life. There should be more classes taught at middle school and high school to prepare children for the real world. Though getting up early to do any kind of training for the body is also a good thing.

As I rounded the cul-de-sac and walked up the other side of the street closer to our apartments, I saw her once again. Sprinting up and down the track. So close, yet so far. The years of our being a family now a distant memory. Memories and the few iPhone photos being the only things I have left, as the years I thought I would still have with all of my children together, sharing them with their father every other week, has been selfishly taken away from me.

As much as I would like to return to a time when I sat at the dining table with all three of my children, there is no time for dwelling on what could have been. I need to focus on the future and be fully present for my son.

At some point, I hope to be able to reconnect with my daughters. Before it is too late. I just hope they know I love them, I miss them, and am here for them. Always. No matter where I might be living in the future, for love knows no distance.