WITHOUT RAISED VOICES

‘Hi’, came the text early this afternoon.

‘Can seena and come over for like an hour later’, my older daughter continued. I was surprised to hear her initiate a conversation with me. I ignored the missing ‘I’ in her text.

‘Hi’, I texted back.

‘Sure’, I added.

They set a time for 17,00, but asked if I could come pick them up because their father had no car seat for the baby. I didn’t think it was worth exploring that explanation any further, even if it sounded like the untruth.

Initially, I wanted to make banana bread so we could enjoy it together, but then did not want to be competing against their devices, which inevitably wins over a conversation with me. Then I thought of taking them to the coffeehouse their brother and I went to yesterday. However, the place closed at 18,00, so I knew I needed to pick them up on time.

I was on time. They were not. My middle daughter was somewhere driving the buggy. The minutes kept ticking by and I knew after ten minutes that the coffeehouse was out of the question for today. When both girls got into the car, I asked them where they would like to go. ‘Menchies’, they replied. So, I drove to the one in Steiner Ranch.

The conversation was very limited. As I had suspected, I was soon replaced by various TikTok videos and random scrolling on their phones. I was unsure what to do next. I asked questions about summer and found out they are going on a cruise this summer. Sage is also invited to go. I could see he was caught by surprise by that revelation and unsure what to do.

‘You can have a break from me’, he offered.

‘I don’t need a break from you’, I tried to explain to him. At the same time, I knew he has always dreamt of going on a cruise, so I did not want him to be left out of that experience.

‘We’ll talk about it later’, he whispered. I knew what he meant, and I relayed this information to his father and stepmother later in the evening.

I talked to the girls about their grades and the importance of turning work in on time. I asked about their future plans. They had none. Now they were back to scrolling on their phones. I sighed. Helpless. Hopeless.

We moved outside to sit in the warmth of the sun. The girls moved away from the table to go work on some new TikTok videos whilst Sage and I sat at the small table wondering what to do next. The little time I had with them was not as I had hoped. We ended up driving to their house.

The parents had returned by now and I encouraged Sage to go see his father for a minute and say ‘hi’. He walked down the driveway and looked hesitantly through the door. Eventually he entered behind his sisters and was gone for longer than expected. Then I saw them coming up the driveway together. My children’s father and his wife.

What happened next was nothing I would have expected. We talked. Without raised voices. Like adults should talk. For a long time. They wanted to know if Sage could spend 30 minutes to an hour with his father. I was fine with that. Why would I not be?

We discussed the cruise to Jamaica and The Bahamas this summer, a trip that was free to them due to all of the past years’ cancellations. I agreed to Sage going, but wanted to avoid any drama as has happened in years past, the concerns he expressed to me earlier. The stepmother assured me that there will be no drama. I want to believe that for everyone’s sake.

The conversation turned to the girls and how they need a mother since the stepmother is ‘not allowed’ to be a mother to them and are not listening to her anyway. I explained that what I have noticed is that the girls have no structure. They refuse to follow any rules, which the stepmother stated was why they have an issue being at my place. The fact that I have rules.

The real issue is that my children’s father refuses to enforce any rules. I went on to explain that it was pointless to remain in Austin if I was unable to spend time with the girls. He assured me that he has encouraged them to reach out to me. At one point, he finally went back into their house to get the remote-controlled car, and Sage. Then they drove the little car up the driveway and onto the street, enjoying their time together. I continued the conversation with the stepmother. Still without raised voices.

‘Whatever you’re doing with Sage, you’re doing it right’, came the words from her mouth.

‘Whatever we’re doing with the girls, we’re doing it wrong’, she continued. I wasn’t sure what parallel universe I had crossed into but this was unexpected. However, it is the way things should have been all along. The communication. The clarification.

The whole time, I thought I was not doing enough since I did not have the money to give my son all the ‘things’ that his sisters have access to. The big house, the boat, and the buggy. But it turns out having everything handed to you, doesn’t make you a better person. In fact, it turns you into someone who feels entitled to everything. It makes you not want to try hard in life because you know there is a safety net below you to catch you when you fall.

‘I can’t help you’, came the text from the stepmother tonight after I discovered my middle daughter might be hiding something she shouldn’t be doing. She then went on to explain that ‘Seena messed up again tonight and Stefan is doing exactly nothing about it… I am sad for the girls that they aren’t getting consequences…’.

And just like that, we return to the real issue. The lack of any kind of rules, the shifting of blame, and a complete disregard of consequences for punishable actions. The steps taken tonight to discuss family issues without raised voices was a new and surreal experience. As for my son’s thoughts about this, he would like to see us as more of a blended family. One where we are all involved in raising the children with values and morals to guide them towards a successful future. Only time will tell where this will lead.